Present Listening: How to Listen Better
My wife, Julie, and I joke that we’re writing a book called The Things We Hear. She says one thing, I hear something else, and I answer the thing she never said (it goes the other way, too). The list of these mishearings, malaprops, and non sequiturs lives on her phone and it just keeps growing.
At home, it’s funny. At work, sloppy listening costs a lot more.
A shark that wasn’t there
I recently came across an Instagram reel that I immediately wanted to share in all of our classes because it’s a great example of the absence of present listening.
The narrator describes meeting a man at a dinner party who had just returned from visiting his 93-year-old mother. She was going through a rough patch, the man said, but she was “sharp as a tack.”
The narrator heard “shark attack” and spent the rest of the conversation trying to make sense of what he thought he heard. When the man said his mother doesn’t remember much, the narrator assumed it was shock from the trauma. When the man said his mother can’t walk anymore, the narrator asked if it was because of the shark.
For the narrator, the whole story had been about a 93-year-old woman who survived a shark attack. Once he realized his mistake, he fumbled a recovery and walked away. He called that move the “shrug and stroll.”
The clip is priceless. It’s also an accurate picture of what happens in conversations every day.
Why do we mishear people?
Many mishearings doesn’t come from hearing loss; they come from how we manage attention. Here are the patterns I see most often:
- Divided attention. So many things compete for our attention that mishearing becomes easy. In an era of noise, it’s hard to pay attention to anything.
- Fast-forwarding. We get impatient with what’s being said and try to skip to the end. It’s easy to bail.
- Selective listening. We listen when the topic interests us or when we like the person, and we tune out the rest.
- Drifting. We start thinking our own thoughts, planning what we’ll say next, or deciding whether we agree.
What is present listening?
Present listening is a term I coined for active listening that happens in the moment. You give the other person the gift of your undivided attention.
We teach present listening in our courses at The BRIEF Lab because you can’t summarize what you didn’t hear. If you misheard it, your summary is wrong.
Present listening has a close parallel in close reading, which we covered in a recent podcast episode. You don’t skim, you don’t half listen, and you don’t bail. You’re actually there. Many people have gotten good at skimming and lost the habit of reading closely. Listening erodes the same way.
I see both as part of developing elite human skills. The core question is based on attention management: how are you managing your attention when it comes to other people?
Communicating well isn’t like an etiquette class, where you learn which fork to use and you’re done. It’s a perishable skill.
Why present listening is a superpower
Think about someone you’ve worked with who is a genuinely good listener. They’re dialed in. They hear what you’re saying, and they’re interested. Years ago I heard a phrase I still love: it’s better to be interested than interesting.
Now think about someone who is already moving on while you’re talking. Notice how differently those two people make you feel. Neither one has said a word. The difference comes entirely from how they listen.
Good listening changes the conversation in practical ways:
- People tell you more. They share things they might not tell anyone else. Think of a good consultant who asks questions carefully and considerately.
- You reach alignment faster. You reach agreement and understanding faster than you would if you were mailing it in.
- Conversations keep going. When people sense you aren’t listening, they stop talking, and the conversation folds.
That’s why I call active listening a superpower. Very few people have it, and the people who do stand out.
The people I know who listen exceptionally well inspire me to talk less, listen more, and be more interested. I love talking to them because we have great conversations.
Five questions to gauge how well you listen
I wrote this list for myself as much as for you. Don’t dwell on any one question. Answer honestly and see where you land.
- Am I a good listener?
- Do I choose to care when I feel like I don’t care?
- Are some people easy for me to tune out without even thinking about it?
- Can I catch myself when I start to drift in a conversation?
- Would I be willing to make an effort to listen closely, especially when I don’t feel like it?
If everyone communicated clearly and concisely, listening would be easier. Realistically, many people are scattered and all over the place. Listening to them closely takes effort, and sometimes a little pain.
Listening is a choice, and it’s part of your job
Listening is part of your job. It’s part of mine, too. Some days it will be difficult, and that’s okay. The person you’re talking to doesn’t need to know it’s hard for you. You show up and you listen.
Listening takes discipline. When we don’t choose to practice it, we don’t build the habit.
Communicating well isn’t like an etiquette class, where you learn which fork to use and you’re done. It’s a perishable skill. It’s also a skill you can develop and get very good at, and it turns out to be a significant contributor to how people succeed. You can practice it at home, at dinner parties, and anywhere else you talk with people. If you still find yourself not hearing what’s being said, there’s always the shrug and stroll.
At The BRIEF Lab, we help professionals and teams think clearly, communicate concisely, and listen with intention. Our courses include hands-on present listening exercises, because you can’t respond well to what you didn’t hear. To bring this training to your team, visit thebrieflab.com. You can also hear the full conversation on Just Saying, Episode 405.